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10:36pm 22/11/2002
  i have had this journal for a little over two years now. it has gotten me nowhere, so this will probably be my last entry.

so, to end everything on a negative note, my dance performance was awful tonight.

one thing i would like to know is how did i go from being so dazed to being so fucking jaded.

i was called "intense" today.

you know, it used to be when you didn't have any friends in real life, you had online friends. well i don't have either. and i am beginning to despise everything i love, and my patio doesn't even look real to me. yes, that makes no sense.

Goodnight.
 
     

(4 dead ducks | shoot the duck)

 
   
10:55pm 20/11/2002
  been rehearsing all week in clearwater for the show this weekend. i have been extremely grumpy and ill-tempered and anxious the entire time. i am having a craving for fast food, and pot, which makes me think of the beginning of this year. but instead i just eat sour gummy worms which actually have 2 grams of protein and no fat... oh yes. they are the shit.

so i was asked by two people to do pieces with them... one was my choreography teacher, asking me to do a trio with Ekaterina and someone else for Hillsborough Community College, and Vicki, a choreographer I've worked with at St. Pete, wants me to do a piece with her for Moving Current, Tampa's only modern dance company. I am so excited, it finally looks like there is oppurtunity, as I don't get it at school anymore and I am thoroughly disappointed in this show I am rehearsing right now.

One thing that I have noticed about the Tampa Bay area is that no one ever encourages you to get out of here, and yet they don't give you any oppurtunity here. No one that has taught me here has encouraged me or told me that I should follow my dreams, besides Miss Stauderman[who is no longer here] and Kim. The only other encouraging people are Vicki and Miss Acosta. I remember after last spring's dance show for St. Pete College, Miss Stauderman told me that she could just see me actually being somebody in New York City. She told me I was going to go somewhere.

I hope she's right.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
09:05pm 18/11/2002
  i have not listened to this cd in years... i remember when i was younger, i would dance around my room to joan osborne and alanis morisette. where did those days go? everything is so serious.

things are looking up, but i'm never happy, we all know that. choreography is in my soul right now. i am performing this friday and saturday, and i can't wait to get it over with. i'm not feeling this show at all.

lately, i have been wanting to have a relationship, or to be dating someone. but i can't seem to find someone i am interested in. i thought jonathon might be someone, but i realized it would just be awkward and i would probably get annoyed. but then i think it would probably be like that no matter who i was with. so i guess i will just wait a little more and keep looking. it's just been so long since i have actually liked someone, and i don't mean the little infatuations i have had in the past several months. well, actually when it comes down to it, i have only really liked one person in my life, but i'm not even sure if he knows or feels the same way back.

however, i don't think relationships are my thing, as i am neither affectionate or sexual in any way.

on another note, i wish i had friends that would write me notes and leave me silly messages and always be there for me. i'm not even sure what a friend is anymore. i don't even know if i'm a friend to anyone. i am tired of being an unsupported backbone... or something.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
11:36pm 15/11/2002
  i went out with joey to the tampa theatre tonight. we saw "frida". what an amazing film. salma hayek is absolutely beautiful, and frida kahlo's life is so tragic but her willpower was so strong... it's inspiring. and her art is of course amazing. when i walked out of the theatre, i told joey i wanted to create something, anything.

we went to trip park, where there was a band playing up on the ledge we usually sit on in the amphitheater. and i asked joey, why don't we do that? we should perform there too. we used to talk about this all the time, we used to have so many ideas...

went to borders afterwards, where i bought the moldy peaches cd and the Radiohead Live Recordings cd, the one cd I actually did not have. The one that would have completed my Radiohead cd's if they had not been stolen. Perhaps that is why I chose it to be the first Radiohead cd to buy again.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
08:15pm 14/11/2002
  god i keep fucking up this week and i'm not even fucking trying.

i am so tired of all these little things setting me off. little things like a teacher calling my mom, or being stuck in traffic in the rain and being late for rehearsal or the doctor's office not being able to get the authorization for an appointment for the second time i have been there, or the fact that i honestly did not think i had rehearsal tonight so i'm just sitting on my ass at home when i get a call..."lindsay, where are you?"

i just feel like i am fucking up, but maybe i am being too hard on myself because i can't control these things. i mean, everyone has little things like this that happen to them all the time, too... right? i can't figure out if i really have a chemical imbalance in my brain that keeps me from dealing with this stress or if maybe everything just always sucks in my life, and never gets better.

It's just, well, I hate to sound whiny, but it's not fair. Trust me, I know, life isn't fair... but goddammit i stopped doing drugs for a reason and nothing has really gotten that much better. SO WHAT THE FUCK.

i give up... [and how many times have you heard me say that?]
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
06:17pm 13/11/2002
 
mood: tired
today was one of those days to catch up on sleep. after vomitting on my way to school and at school, i went home only 45 minutes into the day. once again, medicine has made me sick. and i cannot afford to be nauseous and sick this month because i have so much going on.

i have been in my bed feeling dizzy and lightheaded for most of today, waking up only to go see my therapist for a chat session and to start my first rehearsal at school. And that went well, let me add. I love what i am seeing so far. I came home and took Tenchi for a walk because it feels so lovely outside and then went back to bed.

I'm feeling better, though, and am able to eat and at least keep food down now. i'm just tired.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
09:46pm 12/11/2002
  wow this is such an amazing version of Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze"... god I love Kronos Quartet.

We picked our casts for the show today. I like mine, however I'm worried about one girl and what i'm going to do with her because she can't really dance. I'll just have to work around it.

I'm starting a collection of preppy-girl artwork on my wall. You know, when preppy girls make your name in bubble letters and outline it and color it all in. I've never been able to do preppy girl artwork. But Lydia gave me the cutest one today at lunch! It made me feel special.

i went to the doctor today for my stuffed and itchy nose and he gave me more medicines. then i drove through the pouring down rain and traffic for an hour to get to rehearsal and i was late and only ran it once and i was so pissed off. i am so tired of shit like this happening every day, to the point where it makes me almost have a fucking nervous breakdown. am i the only person who can't handle this, or is my head just all fucked up and i can't deal?
 
     

(2 dead ducks | shoot the duck)

 
   
02:09pm 11/11/2002
  i'm sitting here drinking a capri sun, in a bit of a haze, and wanting to take a nap, i think.

last night was very fun... i went to the masquerade with joey to the Thrill Kill Kult show. I felt out of place at first, because all that goth shit just isn't my thing anymore, but when I started dancing to this band Cherrie Blue I started having fun. I ran into my friend Kim there, who was quite fucked up on ketamine and was acting loopy... it was a little strange. I danced my ass off when Thrill Kill came on... it had been awhile since I had really got down, goth style.

We left around 1:30 am or so, and went back to his apartment. He was tired, and for some reason I was manic. So I made plans to hang out with Josey and Lydia at Andy's apartment. On my way there, some black guy started talking to me when stopped at a light and then he followed me to wal-mart and scared the fuck out of me when he tried talking to me and i told him i didn't need creeps following me around and he left me alone.

So I ended up chilling with them all night and meeting this awsome gay guy Forrest whom I had an amazing amazing conversation with about life and the zodiac and reincarnation at 6:00 this morning. i should try to remember what all we talked about someday, but right now i am going to sleep.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
12:18am 10/11/2002
  tori amos live was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen in my entire life. there were so many moments i almost wanted to cry, i felt so overwhelmed by the power of her songs, her voice and piano, her smile and just everything... when she began to play "bliss" was one of those moments.

she played alot from "to venus and back" and from her new album as well. she also played "crucify" from her Little Earthquakes cd which was simply AMAZING. From her new cd she played "Amber Waves" , "A Sorta Fairytale", "Wednesday", "Strange", "Don't Make Me Come to Vegas", "Sweet Sangria" , "Pancake", "I Can't See New York", "Mrs. Jesus", "Taxi Ride", and "Virginia". She played "Bliss" and "Concertina" from To Venus and Back.

I know she played more, but that's all i can recall right now... she played for about two hours and gave two encores... and we had such great seats! When it was over, I felt like I was in a daze... I know every time I hear one of Tori's songs I will always think of that night and the quirky things she would do when she played the piano...
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
03:53pm 08/11/2002
  god, what an awful day.  
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
04:53pm 06/11/2002
 
mood: hungry
well, i went to go get my psychiatric evaluation today, but it didn't happen because of all this insurance/authorization/medical bullshit that was not falling through. i said screw it, i'll reschedule.

me and jordan left school early... i am going to go get my car stereo installed today HOPEFULLY and then go shopping with my grandmother.

i've been reading alot of Irvine Welsh lately... the guy who wrote Trainspotting. I just finished The Acid House and am starting on Maribou Stork Nightmares... his writing just really draws me in but it is so fucked up! Every page is something offensive and awful but I love it.

I'm going to go eat now... grandma's been cookin'!
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
05:25pm 05/11/2002
 
mood: complacent
i've got this urge inside of me to be doing something, and it is really confusing me, to the point where i can hardly talk. and everything has to be neat and organized. like today at lunch. i had to make this salad and then had all these wrappers sitting on the table and i felt like they were taking up too much space. i get like that when i am finished eating something that comes in a bag, and always get up after i finish eating one thing to throw the baggie away.

now i am incessantly and excessively cleaning my room. the one good thing that has come out of this is that i sat down and wrote down alot of ideas i have my choreography piece and my vision became a little more clear about it, but it also gave me alot more ideas so at the same time my head is clouded but at least i have it all down on paper.

i feel like this is making me go crazy.

i was eating dinner with my grandma and sister, and my grandma tells me to be sweet. be sweet like jesus. i looked at her and told her i don't believe in god. she mumbled a little something, and then went on like i didn't say anything. which is good, because i hate even thinking about religion... because i have no thoughts on the subject. i can hardly comprehend my own life, much lesss the fucking cosmos.

I received a package of hope from zach yesterday but I didn't get it until today. He burned me some music! That was very nice and gives me hope indeed. I will be working on sending something back in the meantime.
 
     

(1 dead duck | shoot the duck)

 
   
09:18pm 04/11/2002
  after an ok day that really felt half-empty, i decided to take myself on a much needed shopping spree. i picked up joey and went to Ybor. There, we went to Urban Outfitters where I got some pants, and this pink Kik Girl shirt from the raver store. Afterwards, we went to Borders where I listened to music and bought three cd's to start my cd collection again. I have just decided that I will only buy music if I don't know anyone who will burn it for me and also, if the price is it. I bought: the new Tori Amos Scarlet's Walk, The Flaming Lips Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, and DJ Dara Future Perfect.

I had to pink my sister up from cheerleading afterwards and was suposed to take her to dance class, but we ended up screaming at each other like usual with her getting out of my car and stomping off into the dark in my neighborhood and my grandma panicking and wanting to call 911 because we could not find her and then the dog getting out in the middle of it... i have had about enough of dealing with twelve year olds.

the way i feel right now is the way i always feel right before i go back into a cycle of doing drugs. i go on a shopping spree, spending most of my money, and watch drug movies. i become bored and frustrated. then i either drink or start smoking pot again and then i do e or coke on the weekends and it just ruins everything. it doesn't solve anything, and i don't get anything done, and it steals away my creativity and passion for dance and life in general. I also never have enough money to buy things I actually want, much less money to be spending on drugs. Maybe that is why I always go on shopping sprees during the transition period... oh i analyze too much.

i don't want to go on these binges again. but i've already been through this two or three times already. i want to go over to joey's to drink this weekend, but i don't want to fall into this cycle again. i don't really see it happening, but it could. i don't want it to. not until this month is over. but it's sort of like, this sticker i saw today: "I said no to drugs, but the drugs didn't listen."

I talked about this with joey and he said we should both make a conscious effort to stop for awhile, or at least just not do it excessively. i think i'll be ok. i have no money anyway.
 
     

(1 dead duck | shoot the duck)

 
   
08:28pm 03/11/2002
  i am so bored right now. i have pretty much been sitting around my house all day. i don't know how i used to do this... i don't even know how to keep myself occupied.

me and jonathon went to see Formula 51 last night in Ybor. I've noticed that I tend to watch alot of drug movies when I am not actually doing drugs. I had fun with him and apologized about Homecoming. I stopped by Joey's afterwards. He had just gotten back in town, he was up north visiting Sandra for a couple weeks. He thought he had left his cell phone in someone's car and wanted a ride to his mom's... when i got there, he used my phone to call his and found his phone on the pavement. He decided to stay there, but at least I was of some use.

My sleep was very strange last night. I have been feeling nervous and empty and unsure. I compulsively cleaned my room all day today... which means a change is on the way. I went grocery shopping, always a sunday chore, and spent alot of time going through my dad's cd's and burning alot of cd's.

My grandma is in town from Alabama because my parents are going out of town for business stuff. She's here mostly to take care of my sister and get her to school[she's in middle school] because I generally leave the house before she wakes up and she has dance/cheerleading stuff she has to be taken to in the afternoons.

Tomorrow, I have to buy another part for my stereo and then hopefully I can take it by Circuit City to have it installed. Oh man, I hate that feeling of being tired from not doing anything...
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
07:38pm 02/11/2002
  i feel clear and alive again, but this time i am uncertain and weary. i feel like no matter how hard i try, something that is out of my control always takes it away.

the weather is so beautiful outside. i wish i could somehow capture it... it's that time of year where i can just sit outside and be content for forever & ever.

my dad bought me a new stereo today. now i'm not sure if i should start my cd collection again by buying some of the same ones or finding new music... i think i'll just buy whatever my heart tells me to. i know i will buy my favorite band's cds again, but alot of them i will probably burn.

good news: i made 3 a's and 1 b on my report card, and i am seeing tori amos on thursday!
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
10:22pm 01/11/2002
  i am exhausted, and just unhappy. there is so much negative energy around me and i'm not making it any better. i almost had a nervous breakdown at trapeze tonight. my body hurts so bad, and i am just becoming this horrible mean person.

Nothing anyone else does is ever right in my mind. I watched the pieces for the fall dance concert today in class and they were awful. There was no art whatsoever. Maybe I'm just being a nazi, but i thought i went to an arts school for a reason. It really pisses me off that these kinds of people have been hired to teach me when they don't have anything to teach.

i have turned into this anal retentive stuck up bitch. i have been frustrated with the same things for several months now. i had a heart to heart with my dad last night after i came in the house slamming doors and after writing that entry. he told me that i'm really hard on myself and i'm hard on other people too. i guess i just don't understand that everyone doesn't see what i do, however i feel like i'm stating the obvious half the time. am i really that much more mature, or am i just stuck up? what makes me the way i am?

i hate discussing this stuff on here, it's not stuff that i particularly like to share with people but i too often do.

i need to get to bed. i have a six hour rehearsal tomorrow...
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
11:22pm 31/10/2002
  not only was my stereo stolen out of my car at school, but 60 cd's were stolen as well. [that equals about $900]. not only do i hate myself, but i hate most people my age and younger than me. and being an adult or being older does not seem to be any better.

sometimes it scares me how much anger i have inside me. i just hate. and i can't do anything about it. i hate waking up. i hate going to go school. i hate driving. i hate walking down the hallways. i hate sitting in traffic. i hate spending money on food. i hate this trapeze piece i am in. i hate eating. i hate smoking cigarettes. i hate uncreative people. i hate teachers.

right now, i'm not sure if it's events in my life that are making me depressed and angry or if it's just always been there. why has this year been so hard? why has october been one of my worst months when i thought there was so much more to it? i just do not see any point in ANYTHING, not even dancing or choreography which is suposed to be what i love the most.

god i fucking hate, and i hate that i hate because i wish i wasn't so jaded. and i have these notions that if i just get out of high school and move half way across the country and meet inspired people, then maybe everything will be ok. but i don't know... there's just nothing i can do.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
06:27pm 31/10/2002
  - Name: Lindsay
-- Birthdate: october 11, 1985
-- Birthplace: tampa, fl
-- Current Location: Lutz, FL [right next to tampa...]
-- Eye Color: gray-blue
-- Hair Color: i have my natural hair color for the first time in about five years... it's an ashy strawberry blond
-- Righty or Lefty: right
-- Zodiac Sign: Libra
-- Innie or Outtie: innie

// series two - describe
-- Your heritage: German, British, Native American[verrrry little]
-- The shoes you wore today: pink pumas
-- Your hair: it's short and spiky and i have bangs.
-- Your eyes: usually seen with lots of black eyeliner around them... but as i get more tired i don't wear it as much
-- Your weakness?: i've grown fairly lazy, i tell too many people my life story, feeling sorry for myself
-- Your fears: car accidents, wasps, surgery
-- Your perfect pizza: pepperoni
-- One thing you'd like to achieve: a good solid first choreography piece

// series three - what is
-- Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: ok or ummmm
-- Your thoughts first waking up: what the fuck
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hair
-- Your best physical features: none really... maybe my hair or eyes.
-- Your bedtime: 11-11:30 on weekdays... past 1 or 2 on weekends.
-- Your greatest accomplishment: keeping my grades up, overcoming two knee surgeries, my dance scholarship for the summer program
-- Your best memory: oh too many... alot of them include car rides, trip park, and watching the sun rise.

// series five - do you
-- Smoke: not on a regular basis anymore
-- Cuss: well, of course... fuck is my favorite word
-- Sing well: um, no.
-- Take a shower everyday: yeah, but that's due to dancing and being sweaty every day. summer is a different story, lol.
-- Do you think you've been in love: possibily
-- Want to go to college: yes
-- Like high school: no, it is awful, but it is better than middle school
-- Want to get married: not particularly
-- Type with your fingers on the right keys: i don't know
-- Believe in yourself: sometimes, maybe
-- Get motion sickness: not really
-- Think you're attractive: when i try
-- Think you're a health freak: sort of, lately. i'm all into organic foods and eating right and vitamins.
-- Get along with your parents: better than i have in the past.
-- Like thunderstorms: only when i'm not driving in them
-- Play an instrument: nope

// series six - in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: not my thing
-- Smoke(d): yes...
-- Done a drug: of course, that's my style.
-- Made Out: actually, yeah.
-- Go on a date: nope
-- Go to the mall?: unfortunately
-- Been on stage: no, but i will be performing in november
-- Been dumped: nope
-- Gone skating: i haven't been skating in over two years..
-- Made homemade cookies: sounds like a good idea
-- Been in love: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: sounds like a good idea
-- Dyed your hair: actually, no
-- Stolen anything: yes

// series seven - have you ever?
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: probably
-- If so, was it mixed company: i'm sure
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh god do i even need to answer
-- Been caught "doing something": not really
-- Been called a tease: nope not my style
-- Gotten beaten up: nope
-- Shoplifted: yeah
-- If so, did you get caught: nope
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no, but i have changed. not for those reasons.

// series eight - the future
-- Age you hope to be married: no thanks
-- Numbers and Names of Children:no children
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: no wedding
-- What age do you want to die: whenever i start to decay
-- Where you want to go to college: in new york city, or some big city
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: modern dancer, choreographer, photographer, writer
-- What country would you most like to visit: japan. amsterdam.
-- Current Clothes: purple cords, black star wars shirt, spiderweb socks, hemp jewelry stuff
-- Current Mood: sad, empty, a tad anti-social
-- Current Taste: fruit gummies
-- Current Hair: spiked, stiff from all the hair product
-- Current Annoyance: my little sister has her squealing pre-teen friends over
-- Current Smell: pizza
-- Current thing you ought to be doing: eating
-- Current Desktop Picture: something avery put on there
-- Current Favorite Groups: radiohead, portishead, sublime
-- Current Book: "the acid house" by irvine welsh
-- Current DVD In Player: Requiem for a Dream or Pi, but I'm going to watch this movie called The Salton Sea... yay for drug movies.
-- Current Worry: if i'm going to make it to my friend's apartment on time because i'm sitting here filling this stupid thing out and i need to get ready
-- Current Crush: i try not to have those anymore.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
10:56pm 29/10/2002
  god, how i feel like my life has turned into one big misfortune. maybe if i am put on medication i will no longer think like this.

i really, really don't want to dwell on what happened yesterday. at least my life isn't that bad that it drives me to stealing other people's things just to get money, most likely for drugs, just to make myself feel better.

i bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. they are just about gone, and i don't want another pack.

i have figured out somewhat what i am going to be doing my choreography piece about- ee cummings "Picasso" poem + some of Picasso's artwork. It's pretty broad right now, but I'll get it all sorted out. i am listening to Radiohead's "I might be wrong" Live right now and i want to cry... i feel so empty. i feel like i am being forced to be creative when i have nothing to say.

I hung out with Avery tonight, and he asked me spontaneously,"what do you want to do right now, to have fun?" and i couldn't even answer because I felt so disconnected. He said,"just say the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how silly it is," and I just wanted to cry because the only thing that came to mind was I DON'T KNOW because I don't know what fun is. Fun these days feels forced.

we saw this movie called "City by the Sea". It was about a meth addict who lives on the streets and shoots a dealer and his father is the cop working on the case... nice good junkie drama. i wish i could hang out with avery more often, he's such a nice change from everything else that goes on in my life. he always makes me smile.
 
     

(shoot the duck)

 
   
04:34pm 28/10/2002
 
mood: livid
my car stereo was jacked today. as well as $900 worth of cd's. ALL in my school's fucking parking garage. you can bet i am upset, wouldn't you? you all know how much music means to you, it's not just oh it's a cd it's goddamn fucking music. so if anyone would please please help me in replacing them and could burn me a cd or two i would really appreciate it... i will be in your gratitude for forever & ever... email me for my address.

.hole- live through this, celebrity skin, pretty on the inside
.offspring- smash
.sneaker pimps- bloodsport, becoming x
.portishead- dummy
.rage against the machine- the battle of los angeles
.rasputina- thanks for the ether, how we quit the forest
.sublime- sublime, second hand smoke
.jesus and the mary chain- stoned & dethroned
.me'shell ndegeocello- plantation lullabies
.soul coughing- ruby vroom
.the vines- highly evolved
.elastica- the menace
.moby- play
.david bowie- little earthling
.no doubt- no doubt, tragic kingdom, return of saturn
.songs in the key of x [x-files]
.the x-files: the album
.coldplay- a rush of blood to the head
.jazzanova- in between
.bjork- telegram, vespertine, debut, homogenic
.switchblade symphony- serpentine gallery, bread & jam for frances
.the mighty mighty bosstones- let's face it
.supreme beings of leisure- supreme beings of leisure
.the shins- oh, introverted world
.boom boom sattellites- out loud
.smashing pumpkins- mellon collie and the infinite sadness
.the matrix soundtrack
.jimi hendrix experience: smash hits
.the chemical brothers- surrender
.fiona apple- when the pawn
.basement jaxx- remedy
.the white stripes- white blood cells
.aphrodite- a coupla tricks, urban jungle
.the hives- veni vedi vicious
.radiohead- pablo honey, the bends, ok computer, kid a, amnesiac
.the cranberries- no need to know
.tori amos- little earthquakes, to venus and back

so, there you have it... a list of all my cd's that i have empty cases for. even if you are someone i don't know or don't talk to... i would really appreciate any help... because i don't know what to do. it's like, here i am, finally getting my life back together and they something that is one of the most important things in my life taken away.
 
     

(7 dead ducks | shoot the duck)